


A Federal Offense

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 14:36:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2232618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bonus Round 1 fill for the HSWC. As a note, I messed up on this and filled it black instead of red. Oops.</p><p>"Terezi♥Rose</p><p>Remember when Terezi ordered a bunch of stuff from Bad Dragon and Rose ended up receiving her package by mistake?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Federal Offense

It still wasn't there. It still. Wasn't there. What was the point of getting express delivery if it was somehow going to take two weeks? Two weeks and counting. Terezi was on the case. Terezi was going to track down this package, swapping her lawyer's badge for a private detective's and getting to the bottom of this mess. She was going to see just how Bad this Dragon really was.

It didn't take too long to investigate, really. She remembered the shipping confirmation e-mail had included a tracking number for the package. Her tongue ran across the screen, tasting the data. It tasted like a coming victory. It was also completely unnecessary, but she was excited, and you as a reader just need to not judge her and let her have this one.

One medium Anthro Dragon in natural with cum tube... $135.  
One small Tailstretcher in natural with a suction cup base... $80.  
One large Duke in bad dragon colors, cum tube included... $195.

The list went on. An Elden, a Winston's Tail, a Bruiser, a Clayton, a Drippy Vergil, a Dragon's Tongue, a Flint, a Nox, a Spritz, a Swamp Wyrm, a Nova, a Ridley, a Kelvin, a Wolf Dragon, even Duke's Butt and a Janine. Rounded out with a Seadragon Lil Squirt, two bottles of cumlube, and five packs of Teenie Weenies just because. How did that many dragon dicks (And a few... what... a vagina and a butthole? Or were they cloacas? Was cloacas plural or was it still just cloaca? For someone who loved dragons this much, Terezi was ashamed that she didn't know this for certain.) just not show up? But there it was. The tracking number. She found it with her seeking tongue, and her mouse pointer. And her limited vision.

She copied and switched over to the shipping company's website and pasted it with a fury. She was so close. She was so close to cracking the case that she felt it. The tension was building up, and it was so close to release. She almost didn't need that box of dragon cocks, with how satisying this quest for justice was. But, to be real, she really needed that box of dragon cocks. Who was to blame? Duke and the rest of these Bad Dragons? Or FedEx? Judgment day was upon them both. She clicked.

DELIVERED.

The word was in red and it taunted her. DELIVERED. But yet, where was it? She shoved her laptop away in disgust and fury and stood up. Where. Where was it? She stood up, not even bothering to pull on pants, throwing open her door in an old black t-shirt, a pair of scalemate boxers that could probably stand to not be seen by anyone what with the faded teal on the crotch, and her dragon cape. And her imaginary private detective badge. But the door was thrown open and she was jumping down the stairs, nearly taking flights at a time, making her way to the mail area. She jabbed a finger accusingly at the apartment complex's wall of boxes, each labeled with a name. Who was the culprit? Who had her bounty?

Vriska! No. Vriska would definitely steal a package, but given its contents, she would brag about it immediately upon opening.

A Megido. One of them. Probably not A. Megido. Mail theft didn't seem in her nature. D. Megido though. Again, she was sure she'd hear of it.

Egbert. Oh ho ho, John Egbert. John Egbert, he would rue the day he pilfered Terezi Pyrope's dildo order. Rue it for eternity. Was it an elaborate prank? At this moment, was he rigging a bucket full of cumlube over her unattended apartment door? Hehehehehehe. Hahahahahahaha. Oh, he would pay.

And right as she turned, a name caught her eye, written in purple, which brought up a whole slew of horrible memories. Rose. Lalonde. It all made sense. Rose. Her rival. She hated Rose. Rose knew that. She had no idea why. But neither did Terezi, though she was determined to hate Rose from the first time they talked. She never much improved either, to be fair. It was practically her fault that Terezi was with the clown who must not be named for as long as she was. That it went as poorly as it did. And now, unsatisfied with ruining Terezi's life in the past, now she was swiping her sex toys. Did Rose even like dragons? Certainly not as much as Terezi did! Certainly not in the way that Terezi did! Terezi loved dragons! Her lusus was a dragon! (Best not to bring that up to Rose though. That would just open up some discussions that, in reality, everyone would regret having when they were done.)

She stormed back up the steps, but two flights less. She went to Rose's door and pounded on it with both fists. "Rose Lalonde, you miscreant! Get your human ass to this door immediately and face justice!"

Rose... did so. She opened the door. She was walking by it at the time. "Yes, Terezi. What a pleasure to have you pounding on my door, screaming. And at two in the morning. What a wonderful thing. How may I help you? Where is this justice I am to face?"

"The justice is my fists! My fists in your face, Rose! You thief! You burglar! You burgled me, Rose Lalonde, and I won't stand for it."

"Is this a roleplay thing? Are we LARPing or FLARPing or something? I wasn't prepared. Plus, I am not a thief. I'm a wizard. I can get my character sheet, if you'd like. Also, my prepared spells."

"What you can get for me, Rose, is my package!"

"Your... what?" Rose tried to play it cool, she tried to act confused. She tried to act like the FedEx box wasn't behind her open door, since walking it out to the trash ran the risk of Terezi seeing it or smelling it or tasting the purloined cardboard and guilt stench as Rose walked out to the dumpster.

"I have eliminated the suspects, Rose. And it came down to you and John, and John lacks the cunning and the criminal mind that you, a Derse dreamer might I add, possess."

Rose paused. "That might be racist, Terezi. Or... planetist. I think you just called an entire planet thieves. I mean, Vriska was a Prospit dreamer."

Terezi waved her hand. "Unimportant. Forget I said that." She jumped forward, grabbing Rose by the cheeks and yanking her close, sniffing her. Sniffing her face, her mouth. She smelled like mint. Toothpaste, perhaps. But there was something else.

"Uhh..." Rose was officially surprised. It was no longer an act.

"Quiet." Terezi breathed in deep. She could smell the deceit. And suddenly, her gray tongue was on Rose's cheek, leaving an almost imperceptibly teal trail up in. "You taste like salt and lies, Rose."

Shit, she knew. She clearly knew. Rose was sweating. A nervous sweat. She was good at banter. At deflection. At zapping things with magical knitting needles. She wasn't good at being not-even-interrogated by an angry troll slurping at her face. It didn't help that this was immensely embarrassing. The door was open and Terezi was half-dressed and it needed to stop.

"You did it, Rose. Admit it. Maybe the system will go easy on you. Maybe we can cut a deal. Maybe the judge can be talked down from the death penalty, Rose. Your silence speaks volumes, Rose."

Was it hot in here, or was it just Rose sweating bullets? She finally couldn't take it. "I took it." That was it. Her confession.

"Aha!" Terezi yelled, letting go of Rose's face. "I knew it! I knew it was you! Give it to me."

The final shame. "You don't want them back."

"Yes, I do! That was the whole reason for me coming up here. I want my hundreds of dollars worth of sex toys back, Rose."

"Noooo, you... you don't. Not yet."

And a switch flipped. Terezi understood. "Humans are disgusting. Wash them thoroughly and bring them to me!"

Rose felt her head hang in defeat and sighed. "Fine. Yes. Of course."

"And your punishment... I do believe Duke will be appropriate."

"Of course." Though, Rose smirked internally. Duke was not a punishment.


End file.
